what's wrong with the way it was? what's good with now?

When I started this blog I thought it would be funny. Yeah, I was heartbroken and all was hell, but I sort of had an idea that it would be getting easier little by little. That I would heal and get an experience and so on. That, as far as I know, is the way it is.

But no. More than a month has passed and all is worse. I no longer have the "this is the tough part"-hope to cling to. Because the tough part seems not to end at all. All is shit, I will allways be alone and that will never be a choice I made by myself. There is STILL nothing that brings me pleasure. There is STILL no way I can wake up in the morning without my first thought being: "oh god let the night be longer so I don't have to remember how everything is". So, then. Going to bed.

Nightynight.

Awaiting final stop to hope

So things are not that bad now. I'm getting used to missing him, I still think about him all the time, but it seems as not such a big problem now. I'm doing stuff and trying to figure out what to do with myself from now on. Things seem a bit empty, but I guess that's the way it just is.

But. The other day he called me. He wants to meet and talk, just like we agreed we'd do. I was hungover and in no shape to tackle something like that that day, so I say'd that I couldn't make it, but how about some other day this week. We agreed on that, and now I'm dreading the moment.

I don't dread any horrible scenes. I don't dread yelling and hurtfull remarks. I think it will be very civil, and I think I will smile excessively. We may hug a lot. Maybe there will be some compassionate crying from the both of us. I don't dread this. What makes this scary is the idea of having a consolidating talk after having broken up. That's the talk that consolidates the break up, isn't it? When we've made up to be "friends" after the break up, then it really, really, really will be final, and once AGAIN I will be left with no hope. The stupid, little, cowardly hope that I'm having now, I don't even recognize this hope, I don't feel it, but knowing me I know it's there somewhere, and the tearing it out of me will hurt. AGAIN. And I've really had enough of hurting.

Things can be ok while they're really bad

Two weeks have past, there have been ups and downs, yet inside a general down. A couple of days ago I saw him for the first time since the break. Randomly, he walked in to a bar where I was hanging out with my friend. He was there with two other girls, looking for a place to sit, and the bar was full.

So the group entered the bar and he came over to talk to me while the girls checked for free tables. And when I saw him it actually made him happy. I really do miss him, and at least seeing him did make me feel marginally better. But he just approached saying "yeah, we're just out for one beer. But it's full here. So we'll go elsewhere" - while making horrified faces and being exessively uncomfortable. And then they left. What a disappointing man. Later we had another row on msn. I want him back real bad.