Going out as friends

I haven't posted for a while - not like anyone would miss it.

Nothing's really happened lately, exept for me being continually depressed, and the summer having arrived, making me, admittedly less gloomy but more guilty - for not enjoying it fully, with my... lover.

With my ex I've now tried starting a trend of going out as friends. Of course it's a horrible idea. I still love him. Before every encounter I give myself a peptalk hoping it will make me charm him in to pieces and then have the courage to actually launch the topic of "could we ever get back or not once and for all"? - but who am I kidding? I'll never do it.

So what happens is we go out, have forced conversation and I try to make myself start talking about what I want to say, but I just know I can't and in the end he says "should we leave?" and we do and even in the goodbye hug I can't do anything. And I go home trying to think that at least I've shown him that I can be in public without freaking out around him. Hey, what an achievement, right?

I just look at him and want to touch him. He's not even handsome, it's like some kind of joke. But he feels so close to me, and I want him. But he chose not to be. And it's REALLY hard to swallow. I'm a hot chick! I'm smart! I'm freakin' independent! Why doesn't he want me? It hurts!

Forgiveness

The thing about forgiving people is it doesn't really do much good for the forgiver, does it? People come to me with things they say they're sorry for, and I forgive them. And then of course, THEY walk away happily, all forgiven, but I'M left with the burden of whatever they told me! Why do I get all the friggin burdons? I'm very angry and I'm very sad.

life is stupid

There's really so little to it, how do people even bother? I mean I was so FREAKIN' happy, I really was. And now it's SO empty. And what's the difference? Lack of cuddlies? This is extremely stupid.

da luv

They keep saying how important it is for me (and all women) to love myself. Nothing can ever be right untill I love myself, apparently. That said, I'd fucking like to know how to go about it? I'm not all that lovable, you know! The bf left me, and I don't really see other people lining up to be with me exactly. I'm just this carcass that I have to drag around, that puts everybody off. How do you love that? Tell me, I'm ready to try whatever.

So this is weird

I've now had sex with my ex. Not sure how I feel about it yet. It was not loving sex at all, it was actually probably the coldest sex I have ever ever had. I half heartedly faked my orgasm, and then we went to sleep, not really touching much. I didn't touch him because I was afraid he would think I'm trying to win him back, which I'm trying not to be. He didn't touch me much either, but it's unclear if it's because he didn't want to or if he had issues as well. I wonder if I'll ever tell this to anyone. It's against all the rules.

Ugliness

So I went out with a friend on saturday, and Oh My God what ugliness there is to be seen. Men - most men - are SO BUTT UGLY only crazy and/or desperate people would want to even talk to them. They are plain, stupid, inconsiderate, hard to fucking get, UGLY, ostentous, arrogant and greedy little fuckers that make me want to just kill myself. My ex isn't that whole of a lot better, but slightly better, he is. But he left me. So the alternatives are to just get old and die alone which is hopelessly sad, or to be with someone that really give me the wiggins and might STILL betray me or leave me or even abuse me, I mean who knows. Things are not good.

what's wrong with the way it was? what's good with now?

When I started this blog I thought it would be funny. Yeah, I was heartbroken and all was hell, but I sort of had an idea that it would be getting easier little by little. That I would heal and get an experience and so on. That, as far as I know, is the way it is.

But no. More than a month has passed and all is worse. I no longer have the "this is the tough part"-hope to cling to. Because the tough part seems not to end at all. All is shit, I will allways be alone and that will never be a choice I made by myself. There is STILL nothing that brings me pleasure. There is STILL no way I can wake up in the morning without my first thought being: "oh god let the night be longer so I don't have to remember how everything is". So, then. Going to bed.

Nightynight.