Going out as friends

I haven't posted for a while - not like anyone would miss it.

Nothing's really happened lately, exept for me being continually depressed, and the summer having arrived, making me, admittedly less gloomy but more guilty - for not enjoying it fully, with my... lover.

With my ex I've now tried starting a trend of going out as friends. Of course it's a horrible idea. I still love him. Before every encounter I give myself a peptalk hoping it will make me charm him in to pieces and then have the courage to actually launch the topic of "could we ever get back or not once and for all"? - but who am I kidding? I'll never do it.

So what happens is we go out, have forced conversation and I try to make myself start talking about what I want to say, but I just know I can't and in the end he says "should we leave?" and we do and even in the goodbye hug I can't do anything. And I go home trying to think that at least I've shown him that I can be in public without freaking out around him. Hey, what an achievement, right?

I just look at him and want to touch him. He's not even handsome, it's like some kind of joke. But he feels so close to me, and I want him. But he chose not to be. And it's REALLY hard to swallow. I'm a hot chick! I'm smart! I'm freakin' independent! Why doesn't he want me? It hurts!