life is stupid

There's really so little to it, how do people even bother? I mean I was so FREAKIN' happy, I really was. And now it's SO empty. And what's the difference? Lack of cuddlies? This is extremely stupid.

da luv

They keep saying how important it is for me (and all women) to love myself. Nothing can ever be right untill I love myself, apparently. That said, I'd fucking like to know how to go about it? I'm not all that lovable, you know! The bf left me, and I don't really see other people lining up to be with me exactly. I'm just this carcass that I have to drag around, that puts everybody off. How do you love that? Tell me, I'm ready to try whatever.

So this is weird

I've now had sex with my ex. Not sure how I feel about it yet. It was not loving sex at all, it was actually probably the coldest sex I have ever ever had. I half heartedly faked my orgasm, and then we went to sleep, not really touching much. I didn't touch him because I was afraid he would think I'm trying to win him back, which I'm trying not to be. He didn't touch me much either, but it's unclear if it's because he didn't want to or if he had issues as well. I wonder if I'll ever tell this to anyone. It's against all the rules.

Ugliness

So I went out with a friend on saturday, and Oh My God what ugliness there is to be seen. Men - most men - are SO BUTT UGLY only crazy and/or desperate people would want to even talk to them. They are plain, stupid, inconsiderate, hard to fucking get, UGLY, ostentous, arrogant and greedy little fuckers that make me want to just kill myself. My ex isn't that whole of a lot better, but slightly better, he is. But he left me. So the alternatives are to just get old and die alone which is hopelessly sad, or to be with someone that really give me the wiggins and might STILL betray me or leave me or even abuse me, I mean who knows. Things are not good.