Awaiting final stop to hope

So things are not that bad now. I'm getting used to missing him, I still think about him all the time, but it seems as not such a big problem now. I'm doing stuff and trying to figure out what to do with myself from now on. Things seem a bit empty, but I guess that's the way it just is.

But. The other day he called me. He wants to meet and talk, just like we agreed we'd do. I was hungover and in no shape to tackle something like that that day, so I say'd that I couldn't make it, but how about some other day this week. We agreed on that, and now I'm dreading the moment.

I don't dread any horrible scenes. I don't dread yelling and hurtfull remarks. I think it will be very civil, and I think I will smile excessively. We may hug a lot. Maybe there will be some compassionate crying from the both of us. I don't dread this. What makes this scary is the idea of having a consolidating talk after having broken up. That's the talk that consolidates the break up, isn't it? When we've made up to be "friends" after the break up, then it really, really, really will be final, and once AGAIN I will be left with no hope. The stupid, little, cowardly hope that I'm having now, I don't even recognize this hope, I don't feel it, but knowing me I know it's there somewhere, and the tearing it out of me will hurt. AGAIN. And I've really had enough of hurting.