bad idea

Last night I watched a TV-show about some hopeless nerds. And I got the desperate feeling of being exactly like them, doomed to lonelyness because of just being me for ever. So after that I just couldn't resist anymore the temptation to talk to my ex on msn. Stupid, stupid.

So we had a rather forced conversation about what we had done lately, and everything he had done made me sad because I couldn't do those things with him. I've really been quite active the last week considering how I've been feeling, but I couldn't remember any of it, and probably sounded even more pityfull than I've actually been.

Then he asked me what I'd told my friends, so he'd know what to say when he meets them in bars. And he thought what I'd said wasn't precise enough, which got me angry. And then we had a horrible discussion about my feelings, and he's sorry he's made me feel like this, but apparently he doesn't have any other feeling concerning me than pity. I can't really explain why this conversation made me feel so shitty. But I feel like I can't even breathe today.

I had the alarm on 7:00 today to go to work, and it's now 11:40 and I'm still in bed unable to really plan my day. I think my feelings are too big for this scenario. People get dumped all the time, and it's happened to me before, but it's really just never been like this. I'm at the point where I'm wondering if it could be worth it to get some sort of counceling or something. This is not doing me any good.