Day 1

Me and my BF had been having a strange atmosphere between us for two-three weeks. I sure as hell wasn't creating it, and when confronted he sayd that so much had changed in his life lately, and this was just a phase he had to go through. Maybe with some more alone-time than what he had been having before. So we saw eachother less, and things got easier when we met. We laughed and made great love. He was still somewhat distant, and deep down I was not convinced he would stay with me, but I was feeling better because things seemed lighter now. So last friday we went out, had a nice time, woke up together, had breakfast, hung out, and then he said: how do you think it's going now? I felt suddenly chilled, having feared this moment and cried much more than what he had known for the last weeks - and I told him I was making a lot of effort to try to keep him comfortable, but I didn't feel I was able to make him so. And he told me he had fallen out of love. That he still likes me oh, so much, and wants to keep meeting me, and doesn't understand why the feelings have disappeared when we have such a nice time together.

So I stayed with him for a couple of hours, indignantly crying my heart out, he cried too, occationally. Then I went home. Watched TV with a friend on saturday evening, having been dumped, my BF (wait! ex!) probably out on a party he was invited to. My biggest feeling last night was fear of today and tomorrow and all the days that will come. I've been so good with him, so emotionally stable, so easy, so fresh. Now sometimes for a brief secound I think about something else, and then I feel sort of okay, the good feeling of being his lingers in me, and then I remember, and I get dumped all over again. It hurts a lot.

So I've decided to monitor my broken heart in this blog. I can't whine constantly to all my friends, because then I won't have them anymore, and I can't write songs or poetry, but I can complain all I want here, where nobody really has to see it, but I can imagine that thousands do.