Going out as friends

I haven't posted for a while - not like anyone would miss it.

Nothing's really happened lately, exept for me being continually depressed, and the summer having arrived, making me, admittedly less gloomy but more guilty - for not enjoying it fully, with my... lover.

With my ex I've now tried starting a trend of going out as friends. Of course it's a horrible idea. I still love him. Before every encounter I give myself a peptalk hoping it will make me charm him in to pieces and then have the courage to actually launch the topic of "could we ever get back or not once and for all"? - but who am I kidding? I'll never do it.

So what happens is we go out, have forced conversation and I try to make myself start talking about what I want to say, but I just know I can't and in the end he says "should we leave?" and we do and even in the goodbye hug I can't do anything. And I go home trying to think that at least I've shown him that I can be in public without freaking out around him. Hey, what an achievement, right?

I just look at him and want to touch him. He's not even handsome, it's like some kind of joke. But he feels so close to me, and I want him. But he chose not to be. And it's REALLY hard to swallow. I'm a hot chick! I'm smart! I'm freakin' independent! Why doesn't he want me? It hurts!

Forgiveness

The thing about forgiving people is it doesn't really do much good for the forgiver, does it? People come to me with things they say they're sorry for, and I forgive them. And then of course, THEY walk away happily, all forgiven, but I'M left with the burden of whatever they told me! Why do I get all the friggin burdons? I'm very angry and I'm very sad.

life is stupid

There's really so little to it, how do people even bother? I mean I was so FREAKIN' happy, I really was. And now it's SO empty. And what's the difference? Lack of cuddlies? This is extremely stupid.

da luv

They keep saying how important it is for me (and all women) to love myself. Nothing can ever be right untill I love myself, apparently. That said, I'd fucking like to know how to go about it? I'm not all that lovable, you know! The bf left me, and I don't really see other people lining up to be with me exactly. I'm just this carcass that I have to drag around, that puts everybody off. How do you love that? Tell me, I'm ready to try whatever.

So this is weird

I've now had sex with my ex. Not sure how I feel about it yet. It was not loving sex at all, it was actually probably the coldest sex I have ever ever had. I half heartedly faked my orgasm, and then we went to sleep, not really touching much. I didn't touch him because I was afraid he would think I'm trying to win him back, which I'm trying not to be. He didn't touch me much either, but it's unclear if it's because he didn't want to or if he had issues as well. I wonder if I'll ever tell this to anyone. It's against all the rules.

Ugliness

So I went out with a friend on saturday, and Oh My God what ugliness there is to be seen. Men - most men - are SO BUTT UGLY only crazy and/or desperate people would want to even talk to them. They are plain, stupid, inconsiderate, hard to fucking get, UGLY, ostentous, arrogant and greedy little fuckers that make me want to just kill myself. My ex isn't that whole of a lot better, but slightly better, he is. But he left me. So the alternatives are to just get old and die alone which is hopelessly sad, or to be with someone that really give me the wiggins and might STILL betray me or leave me or even abuse me, I mean who knows. Things are not good.

what's wrong with the way it was? what's good with now?

When I started this blog I thought it would be funny. Yeah, I was heartbroken and all was hell, but I sort of had an idea that it would be getting easier little by little. That I would heal and get an experience and so on. That, as far as I know, is the way it is.

But no. More than a month has passed and all is worse. I no longer have the "this is the tough part"-hope to cling to. Because the tough part seems not to end at all. All is shit, I will allways be alone and that will never be a choice I made by myself. There is STILL nothing that brings me pleasure. There is STILL no way I can wake up in the morning without my first thought being: "oh god let the night be longer so I don't have to remember how everything is". So, then. Going to bed.

Nightynight.

Awaiting final stop to hope

So things are not that bad now. I'm getting used to missing him, I still think about him all the time, but it seems as not such a big problem now. I'm doing stuff and trying to figure out what to do with myself from now on. Things seem a bit empty, but I guess that's the way it just is.

But. The other day he called me. He wants to meet and talk, just like we agreed we'd do. I was hungover and in no shape to tackle something like that that day, so I say'd that I couldn't make it, but how about some other day this week. We agreed on that, and now I'm dreading the moment.

I don't dread any horrible scenes. I don't dread yelling and hurtfull remarks. I think it will be very civil, and I think I will smile excessively. We may hug a lot. Maybe there will be some compassionate crying from the both of us. I don't dread this. What makes this scary is the idea of having a consolidating talk after having broken up. That's the talk that consolidates the break up, isn't it? When we've made up to be "friends" after the break up, then it really, really, really will be final, and once AGAIN I will be left with no hope. The stupid, little, cowardly hope that I'm having now, I don't even recognize this hope, I don't feel it, but knowing me I know it's there somewhere, and the tearing it out of me will hurt. AGAIN. And I've really had enough of hurting.

Things can be ok while they're really bad

Two weeks have past, there have been ups and downs, yet inside a general down. A couple of days ago I saw him for the first time since the break. Randomly, he walked in to a bar where I was hanging out with my friend. He was there with two other girls, looking for a place to sit, and the bar was full.

So the group entered the bar and he came over to talk to me while the girls checked for free tables. And when I saw him it actually made him happy. I really do miss him, and at least seeing him did make me feel marginally better. But he just approached saying "yeah, we're just out for one beer. But it's full here. So we'll go elsewhere" - while making horrified faces and being exessively uncomfortable. And then they left. What a disappointing man. Later we had another row on msn. I want him back real bad.

Radically better day

I've stopped actually counting the days because it was getting stupid. But anyway, yesterday was a horrible low point, and today I've been quite a lot better. I've gotten work done, I've gone to an editorial meeting which I rather enjoyed, and I've had dinner with friends.

I've started having new feelings - and now they're angry, cynical feminist feelings - and it feels good. Well, not really, but for the first time today - as I was picking up some beans and trying to figure out whether I had cheese or not, I actually had the thought: "well fuck him anyway, stupid arse". And that's a good feeling, of course. The next one was less positive, yet still in a quite different tone than what I've been feeling the last week. "Well, I'll of course be alone for the lest of my life, but it doesn't matter, I have work". Yeah, I know this isn't really positive but anyway. It's something different from endless ramblings of "I'll never touch him again, he'll never kiss me again, we'll never wake up together again etc etc etc".

Now I just miss him again, but anger flashes might be good. Or bad? Who knows? I'm tired of even caring.

bad idea

Last night I watched a TV-show about some hopeless nerds. And I got the desperate feeling of being exactly like them, doomed to lonelyness because of just being me for ever. So after that I just couldn't resist anymore the temptation to talk to my ex on msn. Stupid, stupid.

So we had a rather forced conversation about what we had done lately, and everything he had done made me sad because I couldn't do those things with him. I've really been quite active the last week considering how I've been feeling, but I couldn't remember any of it, and probably sounded even more pityfull than I've actually been.

Then he asked me what I'd told my friends, so he'd know what to say when he meets them in bars. And he thought what I'd said wasn't precise enough, which got me angry. And then we had a horrible discussion about my feelings, and he's sorry he's made me feel like this, but apparently he doesn't have any other feeling concerning me than pity. I can't really explain why this conversation made me feel so shitty. But I feel like I can't even breathe today.

I had the alarm on 7:00 today to go to work, and it's now 11:40 and I'm still in bed unable to really plan my day. I think my feelings are too big for this scenario. People get dumped all the time, and it's happened to me before, but it's really just never been like this. I'm at the point where I'm wondering if it could be worth it to get some sort of counceling or something. This is not doing me any good.

one week

It's been eight days now, in a few hours it will be exactly one week since I last saw him, and he told me "I'm not in love". Are things going better? Yup. Materially they are. I'm getting out of bed and socialicing and working and all, and everybody tells me I seem to be so okay and that I'll have no trouble getting through this.

The ground mood in me does not seem to be changing, though. All I want is for him to contact me. To say that now that he's been alone he misses me and wants to try again. The chances of this actually happening are something like half a promilla. How can he not miss what we had? How can he not miss that intimacy and confidence?

Well, off to work.

Fucking day 5

Five days! Today I started out crying a lot, then I did some work I had been putting off for a long, long time, and then I cried a lot more, and then I went out finishing my work and felt a lot better. Then I stayed in a café for a couple of hours just to avoid going home, and read scholarly artichles. Strangely I could concentrate. And I vaguely remember this from earlier breakups, that after a few days one of the best ways to forget it for a while is to concentrate on something really, really difficult. And concentrating on difficult things is easier when everything else is more painfull to concentrate on. Hey, just found a perk from being dumped! A very sucky perk, but still.

So later I went to have dinner at a friends house, and it was nice and we talked about my breakup, and I didn't start to cry.

And I still feel like crap.

Day 4

It's the fourth day of knowing he doesn't love me.

Last night I went out with girlfriends and got a bit drunk, and it was ok. So of course today I've been kind of tired, and I'm really really not able to live like this, it seems. I really just can't understand that he's not just out of town or something. He's not coming back to me because he doesn't want to. I want to go to him and beg him to try again.

When he ended it he said maybe we could take a break and try again in a couple of months when he'd be in a more calm place. But I was hurt, and very scared of getting hurt again, and I said I didn't think it would work anyway. Why did I say that? Can it get worse than this? I thought I'd be feeling easier soon, but I just feel worse every day. I feel like it can't be true. I don't cry as much, but I hurt more. I really REALLY can't believe it.

3. day

Well. My hopes that he'll call soon are getting to be all the more patethic. And when we broke up (he broke up) he was insisting that we had to meet often to talk "to do it right", and I said NONONO, and now I'¨m wishing I'd said yes. I miss him so horribly and find it incredible to think he doesn't miss me. Didn't he like how we were? Does he have no concience? Does he not care about anything? Is he nothing what I thought? Was I just never sexy enough? Fuck, what a day. I've done a lot of stuff and lived like normal. Everything is just so horrible.

2. day

So the secound day is ticking towards its end, and I've spent most of it watching TV. I still can't really believe the fact that I will never sleep in the same bed as my ex again, that he doesn't miss me right now, and that I will probably have to pretend to be happy when he meets his next girlfriend like, probably a week from now or something. I've known him for years before being with him, and he's the sort of type which always has a girlfriend, almost. That will most definitly be horrible.

Going to bed now, at last, still afraid of the next day.

Day 1

Me and my BF had been having a strange atmosphere between us for two-three weeks. I sure as hell wasn't creating it, and when confronted he sayd that so much had changed in his life lately, and this was just a phase he had to go through. Maybe with some more alone-time than what he had been having before. So we saw eachother less, and things got easier when we met. We laughed and made great love. He was still somewhat distant, and deep down I was not convinced he would stay with me, but I was feeling better because things seemed lighter now. So last friday we went out, had a nice time, woke up together, had breakfast, hung out, and then he said: how do you think it's going now? I felt suddenly chilled, having feared this moment and cried much more than what he had known for the last weeks - and I told him I was making a lot of effort to try to keep him comfortable, but I didn't feel I was able to make him so. And he told me he had fallen out of love. That he still likes me oh, so much, and wants to keep meeting me, and doesn't understand why the feelings have disappeared when we have such a nice time together.

So I stayed with him for a couple of hours, indignantly crying my heart out, he cried too, occationally. Then I went home. Watched TV with a friend on saturday evening, having been dumped, my BF (wait! ex!) probably out on a party he was invited to. My biggest feeling last night was fear of today and tomorrow and all the days that will come. I've been so good with him, so emotionally stable, so easy, so fresh. Now sometimes for a brief secound I think about something else, and then I feel sort of okay, the good feeling of being his lingers in me, and then I remember, and I get dumped all over again. It hurts a lot.

So I've decided to monitor my broken heart in this blog. I can't whine constantly to all my friends, because then I won't have them anymore, and I can't write songs or poetry, but I can complain all I want here, where nobody really has to see it, but I can imagine that thousands do.